Applebees

[Courtesy Flush]

I bring you a story I felt was worth sharing. My very beautiful girlfriend and I grabbed something to eat at the always classy dining experience, Applebee's. We're sitting there chatting and stuff, and we both notice the conversation next to us was a first date (Questions like "what do you do again, any crazy exes i should know about lololol"). So whatever. First date at applebees, its your funeral bro. No big deal. I digress.

Now this guy wasn't a bad looking fella, but after paying a little more attention I noticed that every time this girl looked away from him he would twitch. And i mean Twitch. Not just some little tweek, I'm talking a good full-out torque, these things had a wind-up. Obviously, this well-mannered innocent girl eventually noticed that every time she had a sip of her drink or took a bite of her quesadilla grande, her date was bucking like a bronco choking on a baseball. As she caught on, it became pretty clear her level of interest and comfort were declining fast. She was now shoveling this appetizer into her mouth hard. Like when you were stealing cookies from the kitchen at 10pm when you knew damn well your bedtime was at 9. Finally she plowed through the appetizer and made a break for the bathroom. It was at this point our main character sat there at his table, looked right into my eyes, puckered up his lips with a smirk and nodded three times. It happened in slow motion. In this guy's mind, I'm his wingman and apparently we're in this together. Alright then fine, I'm rootin for ya, kid.

It was at this point my girlfriend and I exchanged a look. No words were necessary; Shit just got real, and the remainder of our time here was now focused on this gem of a date beside us.

With the girl in the bathroom, Sir Twitch-n-torque breaks out his phone and makes a call. Whoever he's on the phone with is now being bombarded with events that never occurred (Ex. "This fine-ass honey is a dime dude, we came in, sat down she jus started grabbin ma junk right theh under the table, etc etc"). This conversation seemed to go on for a solid 15 minutes with our lady counterpart in the bathroom, probably cursing out the prankster who set her up with this dreamy stand-up guy. I tune back into the end of his phone conversation as he frustratingly replies "I dont know, ma, like around 11!"

Click. ...And before I even had time to make my own little sarcastic comment, our boy made an even ballsier move. He reaches across the table, grabs his date's Long island Ice Tea, pounds the whole glass. No hesitations, 3 gulps, done. He then announces to our section "CRUNK JUICE", and slams the glass down where he found it. Move justified.

Finally, the heroine of our story comes back to the table. I could only assume she failed at unscrewing the vents of the windowless Applebees bathroom. She sees her drink is gone and just looks at him with disgust. Over dinner, our boy orders shot after shot after shot, as she suffers through holding a conversation with this guy. Not to judge (I'm going to), but the more this guy speaks and tweaks, the more it becomes apparent he's put in some solid time on the little yellow bus in his day. She tries to talk, but just gets interrupted a good 3-4 times. So after all his talking of himself describing his 'cakeflow', and his being on his way to making his first million dollars, she snaps. "Okay, um, I'm sorry, but are you like retarded or something, seriously" He pauses, laughs, says "Nah, but I'm stupid diggin you right now". Then he leans back, fist to his mouth and goes "Ooooohhh shit!!" You know, like how his friends would have done, had they been there. Great save, bro. Honestly, a great attempted save on his part. Guaranteed action now, right? But its too little, too late at this point. She's a goner, man. But some men are just too persistent for their own good, and too blind by their own awesomeness. She's had enough, and tells the waiter their ready for the check.

And of course, the moment our whole section had been dreading. Now I know the cost of $6 drinks, $8 shots, along with 2 apps and 2 dinners, their check was probably something around 65-80 bucks. He takes out his wallet, and you could almost hear the drumroll. Young Galahad here only has 18 bucks on him. No one is shocked, but all at once there's a collective "UGH.." in our little section of comedy gold. She doesn't say a word, pays the whole check. We wanted to hug this girl and tell her not to go lesbian, but she's probably putting in her papers for the team switch as we speak. As he drops her one final insult of "So you tryna' go back to my crib n watch a movie or summm?", she gets up and says that her rides here, I'll talk to you later. Her ride isn't there, Applebee's is flatscreens, crappy food, and windows, this girl got up and started walking down the road.

And that, my friends, thats the game.